my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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