At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
MIDGETS
????
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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