I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
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