wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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