her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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