At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
