so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
