Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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