mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
There are leaves in my underwear?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
