brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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