I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
