dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
