my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
