I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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