Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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