i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
