I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
