I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Bang-toberfest begins!!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
