my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
