he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
