Your dad touched me again.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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