fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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