True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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