Umm I'm too high to move.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
