Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
