If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
