toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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