is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
