omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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