I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize