didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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