Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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