Pants 0. Shit 1.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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