Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
