the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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