for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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