You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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