Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
