So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
