I look better un-naked...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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