Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize