Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
