oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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