do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Randomize
