dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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