The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
