allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
