If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
