When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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