i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
