It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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