I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
