my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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