I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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