dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
